Nothing says summer time like taking the bike out of storage, putting on your helmet and hitting the open road at full speed… wind blowing, cars passing, the power of the machine beneath you… simply amazing! I feel so free!
To start writing again…
So much has happened..
I need to add Panicmonster back into my life… or I need to add my life back into Panicmonster…
Panicmonster was an escape and a great way to let off ‘steam’ and ‘relax’ my brain.
I’m trying to get my domain name back..
Here we go…
It took a team of dedicated individuals, friends, family and strangers to get me back on the right track, and I feel that simply saying ‘thank you‘ just isnt enough..
I truly have the most amazing best friends in the world CF, VR, TM, and NG… I dont know what I would have done without you girls and your out pour of incredible support. I love you girls so very much. BR, you’re an amazing man and an incredible friend. Since the Jubee days
My beautiful mother and amazing brother, thank you for never letting go and taking this incredible journey with me. We’ve been through so much, the best is yet to come.
Marianne… thank you for taking me and the little guy in, thank you for sheltering us from the storm and for being so patient, loving and loyal. You helped us get back on track and for that I’m super grateful, I dont know where I would be without you. My little guy and I are forever in debt. Thank you for your kindness.
My readers. Thank you for holding on… thank for reading my story, thank you for accepting me and not judging me.
Im so blessed. I truly am.
Well its been roughly one year since I embarked on this hellish nightmare .. After one year of questions as to WHY? WHY? WHY? did this shit happen, I’m now slowly starting to see things for what they really really are..
Last November, never in a million years would I have imagined my life without ‘him‘ and our amazing little family, but today, I am so grateful to have walked away from such a toxic relationship and the evil man I sadly once loved. Not to say I walked away unscathed, there are definitely still some wounds, but I’m alive and I’m healthy! Both physically and mentally, I’m better than I have been in 10 years… coincidence? I think not.
I now realize that I deserve better than what I had settled for. Being in a relationship with a pathological liar, a thief, a cheater, a sex addict and an egocentric, selfish, stingy man sure was tiring. It was more of a full-time job! It did a number on my self esteem and my sanity. From hiding money from us, his family, for his own selfish reasons, to having woman after woman on the side… sure, some years where better than others, I think he went 1 whole year without cheating, but the damage was done with the 1st woman he bedded behind my back, and I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY… He is now somebody else’s problem, and heartache. Not mine. Its incredible to see how the tables have turned…. I’m not here dragging his ‘good name’ through the mud, I’m simply recounting my life with him and how things where.
With the bad came the good though, he was charismatic and knew exactly what to say! When he got desperate, he knew exactly what to say to get me to stay or take him back, but he was always plotting, sometimes with the help of his own family… there was always something there. His lies where more elaborate than his last and sometimes I would sit back and say “wow, Is this guy serious?” but for whatever reason, I stayed, was it for the incredible sex we had? being comfortable and used to eachother? I think I stayed mostly for our son and for all that we had built together, it just seemed easier to put up with him than to start all over. Which brings me to where I am now… starting ALL OVER, happily, starting over!!
My son and I have embraced a new life in Western Ontario, Canada… away from the big overloaded and hectic city of Toronto. We live in a wonderful small town where we have adapted quite nicely. Meeting new people every single day. we are involved in many community activities and I’m still a yoga fanatic! I practice 4 times a week and owe everything to the teachings that have made such a huge impact in my life.
My little guy is now enrolled in Junior Kindergarten and I’m a full-time college student (ha! after all these years!)
We live in a quaint little two-bedroom townhouse and have had so much fun painting and decorating our home and make it perfect for us. I have an amazing support team behind me and people that love us and care about us. That is so important to me, especially after being in a black hole for so long believing that no one ever cared. I was mistaken.
I am medication free, and for the most part stress free. I wish I could say I’m 100% panic free, but I’m not. I know that slowly it will all be behind me, like most of the shit I have been through. I certainly can control and handle them much better than I did last year, and they only come once in a while, ironically, when “he” is involved. I am no longer plagued with horrific nightmares and disturbing thoughts of my past, I feel so clear now I try to stay positive and surround myself with positive people as much as I can. When something just isn’t to my taste, I just simply walk away. I refuse to complicate my life. Been there, done that.
I survived. I love my life. I am grateful for this second chance to make it right for me and my little family <3
I cannot believe it’s been over four months since my last entry. My blog had been such a big part of my life, recovery and survival… but due to some crazy circumstances surrounding my return to Canada and my horrific battle with “him“, my lawyer advised me that it would be best not to post anything about what was going on… and since my life was consumed with courts, lawyers, police and everything in between, I had no choice but to put my beloved blog to sleep for a short time.
I feel that after my whirlwind return back to Canada, I definitely feel battered and bruised with everything I have been through with my ex regarding the custody of our son. Going through the court system fighting for your child is a terrible thing to go through. I’m starting to settle back into a routine with my little guy and things are slowly (at a turtle’s pace) getting back to ‘normal‘.
Every single day is a struggle but we get through it and the support system in my life has been beyond anything I could have asked for. My friends, family and the community have been a blessing in my life.
I think I will slowly update on only the major events that have occurred and not get lost in the little things, because there have been TONS!
I hope my readers will start to come back slowly and I apologize for just leaving you guys hanging.. its just been too crazy for words. I look forward to getting in touch with you guys again and seeing what is up in your world as well. Panicmonster
Is this a pathetic set-up or a Wolf in Sheep’s clothing?
People back in Toronto are slowly starting to find out that I’m returning with my little guy, so its not surprising that I’m getting emails from friends telling me they cant wait to see us. Making plans to hang out, catch up and see just how much my little guy has grown. and one even asked me for a roll in the hay?? Really dude?
A few days ago via facebook, a friend of my ex-husband and I started to chit chatting about my return. Nothing major just about how good it will be to be back ‘home’ etc. I didnt think anything of it as he has always been a nice and respectful guy all the years that we have all known each other. He is aware of my separation with my ex, but we dont really talk about it. After many friendly private messages exchanged between us, I found the conversation was taking a weird turn.. then bam.. like a slimy, sleuth ninja this guy starts asking me about my favorite sex positions and how he would love to… well, you get the picture.
WTF!! At first I thought, “Ok, this guy just accidentally sent me this message that was intended for someone else” because I know this fool isnt talking to ME like this!|!! So I sent back a nervous LOL followed by a few HAHAs as I still wasnt sure if that message was intended for me…but then it started to dawn on me.. “Shit, he’s a good friend of my ex.. Is this a set up?” or “Is he that much of an asshole that he has to hit on his friends exwife? I just cant believe I have to deal with this sort of crap.
How about a little respect? I’m your friends ex, I spent 10 years with him, I’m the mother oh his son. Wow dude, simply pathetic. I haven’t spoken to this idiot since, and I don’t plan to.
I promised myself that I will not put myself in stupid situation like this and I wont. . This is something that wouldn’t even phase my ex, he doesn’t give a crap one way or the other, but I do. Whatever game this so called friend is playing, its pathetic and immature. If he turns out to be a back stabbing scum, then he is my ex’s problem and not mine.
I realize that not ALL men are like this, but this sure makes it real hard not to be disgusted in them. Sad that yet ANOTHER person I thought was somewhat of a ‘friend’ is actually a snake.
Ok, I hope you guys get a kick out of this weeks photo. This is me on my 2nd birthday with my cool red threads about to shank my strawberry cake (wow it looks fattening!)
Sooo many things going on in this picture… like the hat.. what is that? A carrot hat? A burger with some lettuce? I dont get it! I ask my mom this question everytime we look at this picture.. WHY DO I HAVE SHANK IN MY HAND?? IM ONLY TWO!! KINDA DANGEROUS NO?
I sure was cute tho!! Lol.
A very cool fellow blogger My English Thoughts nominated little old me for the VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD!!! Me!! The little Panic Monster! How awesome is that?? Thank You myenglishthoughts <3
The Blogosphere is a wonderful world that I am so happy to be a part of. I cant tell you how many talented writers I have found through WP alone. Amazing amazing stuff out there! I also abuse my ‘readomattic‘ option like its nobody’s business and have access to some major talent out there. Networking at its best!
Ok, so let me explain this award a little. Its an award passed from blogger to blogger. Its a great way to get your blog ‘out there’ and share with your readers who some of your favorite bloggers/writers are. These awards are ways to get the word out on a blog you subscribe to or just happen to dig a lot! Some very inspiring people out there, So Im super humbled to be receiving this award. Thank you
Now the idea in spreading the good word to others is:
1) Link back to the blogger that gave me the award .
2) Tell you 7 random things about myself.
3) Choose 15 other blogs to pass the award to.
4) Inform the other bloggers that I’m passing the award to them.
Ok here we go…
1) I have gone skydiving once. I did a tandem jump at 10.500 feet off a rickety old plane in Dundas ONT, Canada. It was a random and impulsive thing I did with a buddy of mine one Sunday afternoon and to be honest with you I would never do it again, mostly because it scared the living crap out of me (haha) but its a wonderful conversation piece and I love telling the story.
2) I am totally afraid of scary movies. I only watch them during the day, with the lights on, the curtains wide open and I press the ‘mute‘ button when the scary music starts to play and you know something is about to happen that will make you scream and jump..yup, no thanks, I will put it on mute. I just hate stressing myself out over a movie. Lol, I never watch them at night/alone or at the theater. Hell no.
3) Ive been writing since I was 9 years old. My grandmother used to have this old school typewriter and I would sit there and type out these crazy and imaginative stories. I would stay up all night typing away. I think writing was my very 1st passion. I have written countless stories and 1 screenplay… who knows, maybe 1 day..
4) I have a weird phobia of patters and textures. For example, turtles shells. I hate hate hate them! Their crackly hard shell and their clusters of bumps and hard ridges on their body makes my skin itch like craaaazy!!! I also gag and I run away screaming. Snake skin and anything that has a repetitive patterns really creeps me out. Cant explain it. It just really creeps me out.
5) Im a fantastic cook! I absolutely love to cook. I was pretty self-sufficient when I was a kid and started cooking at a very young age, I remember I would ask for cookbooks for Christmas and made my mom my unofficial guinea pig and would make her try all my new dishes. I love Latin dishes the best.
6) When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pilot. I loved the idea of being able to transport myself from one end of the world to the other.
7) Last but not least…I am a bisexual woman, I dated a woman for 10 months and went through a time where I struggled with my sexuality. Didn’t know who I was, what my purpose was. Very confusing. I kissed a girl first before I ever kissed a boy.
The Blogs I nominate are:
Here are the 15 Blogs that I read on a regular basis that I would like to nominate for this award and share with my readers.
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago on a road trip, this is near the Peruvian/Brazilian border. I love love loved the river, it was so peaceful yet strong, calming yet exciting. Beautiful fresh water rapids and a lone rooster on the rivers edge… its tail had the most amazing blue/green shimmering streaks, I wish the camera was able to catch the colors better.