My neck... dont touch it.
** Before you read this, please let me warn you that this is a graphic post.**
I think Im coming down with a cold or something, my body aches, my throat kills and my neck is stiff. It has been hurting me all day.
So I have a neighbor in my building who is constantly hitting on me. Every chance he gets, there he is with his embarrassing attempts at trying to get down my pants. Its quite painful to watch. I have turned him down a million times, but this guy just wont give up. Always trying to hug me and kiss me or massage me.. YES!!! Massage me… as in my neck. Bad move buddy… I think after today, he wont be bothering me ever again. Let me explain to you why.
Before I met my exhubby, I dated a totally different type of douche bag (keep on reading… this guy was a nightmare) This guy was in many ways worse than my ex.. He was physically abusive and a crazy jealous control freak. He was messed up.. I used to make excuses for him, like “he had a rough childhood, his parents where crazy or I know he loves me and doesnt really mean to hurt me” Stupid stupid stuff went through my head, but I was young and in love… He was my 1st true love and I always hoped things would get better.
On Feb 13th, the night before Valentines Day (many years ago), I remember sleeping in my bed, I had fallen asleep waiting for him to come home. He was out at some bar with his friends drinking his face off. Eventually his drunk ass stumbled back into the apartment waking me up with his obnoxious and loud voice bitching about God knows what. I knew right there that this night was not going to end well.
He got into bed with me, I tried to go back to sleep, he started touching me, grabbing me and mumbling something about sex. I threw his hand away (bad move), he tried again, this time, he grabbed me harder and hurt my inner thigh with his huge hands, I remember asking him to stop…. it got quiet for a few seconds, then BAM! He punched me in my back. I cringed and tried to get my breath back. holding back my tears. I didnt see this shot coming, so I had no time to brace myself, he knocked the wind out of me. WHY DIDNT I JUST HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!! I kept thinking.
this is how much i love you
Somehow, I got up and tried to leave the room, he got up behind me and tried to stop me. Dragging me back into bed. He was 6’2 /230LBS, I was 5’1 /111lbs. I wasnt able to get away. He threw me down on the bed where we continued to fight and wrestle. He was heavy. my God, so heavy on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I kicked and I scratched him and I remember biting him, this only infuriated him. SHIT!!
“I just want to fuck you!! You’re my woman, I just want to fuck you!!!” he kept saying to me. In hindsight, I guess I should have just allowed him to once again abuse me sexually, it probably would have turned out way better than this had.
He now had his hands around my neck, I remember digging my nails in his hands and arms. Kicking and kicking. Trying to rip his hands off. I was starting to panic, OMG Am I going to die? I thought. I’m in my bed, looking up at his arms, his muscles where big and his veins where popping, his eyes where pitch black and he was drooling on my face. He was gone.. he wasn’t in that room with me choking me to death, he was somewhere in his head, far far away. I was going to die. I was dying. This was it. I was JUST asleep in my bed, I had just watched Saturday Night Live, I was laughing earlier. Why am I dying now? I thought about my mom, and my dad and my family… I thought about my stuff and my home and my friends.. stupid stuff really, so many things flashed though my head but one thing was for sure, this guy was going to kill me.
I struggled, I gasped, I thought I saw him staring to cry.. It could have been his tears or his drool… all over my face.. then I heard a pitch a loud pitch sound, as if someone was holding a horn to my ears.. and then just like that it was silent. No more sound. I couldnt hear his heavy breathing and his grunts, I coulndt hear the late night 24 hr bus zipping down my street, I couldnt hear the buzzing sound from my lamp.. the whole world was silent, All I could do was look at him and his stiff arms, then everything got dark. Unconscious.
I woke up 11 hrs later. He had tried to kill me. My trachea was badly bruised and pushed in, I had cuts and bruises all over my head and face. He had panicked, he tried to wake me up by dousing cold water all over my face. nothing…
Eventually… and I mean waaay down the road I did end up charging him and he did go to jail.. but it took me a long time to leave him… and to this day when anybody even reaches and touches my neck, I freak out. bad, real bad. So please, creepy neighbor who cant catch a hint.. don’t touch my f#$k%ng NECK! Years of therapy and a lifetime of horrifying nightmares and I still cant have someone touch my neck.
Tags: Abuse, assault, choke, dying, Nightmares, pain, physical abuse, rape
I try to stay positive and surround myself with positive people as much as I can. When something just isn’t to my taste, I just simply walk away. I refuse to complicate my life. Been there, done that.
